Baby talk-ultrasounds...appt...heartbeats and fears!!

My 12 week appointment was last Friday and am now in deep thought concerning the upcoming 20 week ultrasound.  We were able to hear the baby's heartbeat and that was such a relief! The nurse practioner (who is very respectful and kind,ie. good bedside manner) reminded me that this next ultrasound is optional and asked if I planned on getting it.  I agreed to schedule it anyway then, if we decided not to do it I could always cancel.

I am afraid of the unknown.....I am afraid of getting a scary diagnosis....I am afraid !!!!!!!  After pondering and talking about these fears, I realize that I need to get some courage!!! I prayed and prayed and thought some more.  I think I'm finding my courage and strength...and know that I must face the truth of the possibilities whatever they may be.  We will love our baby no matter what and I know this with all of my heart....so why am I so afraid???  I will post again when I have more ideas!!!

In the meantime....I will run and sweat and control the things I can (mostly nothing!!).  I've been enjoying the arc trainer and treadmill lately...squats are my best friend and the gym has been my reprieve!!

Ps.  I miss my hubby lately.  Oh...and he's decided to start training for a 10 mile mud run/obstacle course on Squaw mountain!!! I am gonna kill him~!!! I am soooo jealous!!! This is the same man who refused to run with me for the past 5 years!!!!!!!!His  working out of town crap is getting old!!! I'm can't believe how much my heart overflows with love for my little girl more and more every day!!! She amazes me.  Today, I walked into her room and caught her sitting on her bed with her arms folded.  She said, "I just said a little prayer mommy, so I wouldn't be scared cuz you weren't in here with me."  Wow! love love love

Running and things related (treadmill adventures)

So, I promised this information to ya...but it is a little boring.  I broke down and joined the gym shortly after finding out about the "bun in the oven."  I knew my trail running adventures would be limited and running with my princess would be more challenging, especially since she's getting bigger and I'm getting slower. Plus, the weather just hadn't been very sunny and I was beginning to get so irritable with my lack of mileage!!!

Cece loves the gym "kidz club" because her cousins play there too and our friend and neighbor works there, which makes it not such a "frightening" drop-off situation.  It's turned into quite a peace of mind to know that she doesn't worry about where I am or when I will be back.  I've taken her on a little tour and showed her the treadmill and where it is located.  Now, she asks me how many miles I ran on the treadmill!! She knows that the teachers can call me and I can come right into the kidz club if she needs me to!!! I had to help her in the potty once, so she saw how it works!! It's become such a blessing.  We've never been able to leave her with anyone other than family for almost an entire year...so this feels like a bit of freedom and I don't have a tremendous amount of guilt!!! Haleluja!!!!

I'm 10 weeks along and my body is slowly getting used to the extra blood flow while running.  I feel stronger when I run because I'm not so weirded out by my slower pace and just start out slower and warm up longer.  By 6 miles, I can begin to hit a 8:30-9 minute mile.  Now...that is my normal pace if I'm on pavement and NOT prego.  I was really excited that I was able to run 13 miles on the dreadmill for my long run last weekend.  I managed to log about 30 miles for the week!!! My pace is definitely slower, but it's been nice to be in a controlled environment and be able to stop and go pee in a bathroom and not have to find a bush every .5 a mile or so!!!!  The downside is that it is freakin' boring as all get out and I feel like a hamster on a wheel!!! Plus, not really enjoying the fact that the people on the machines behind me have to witness the jiggle on frequent basis.  There is a little more forgiveness in that area when you're running on trails or pavement.    I miss the challenge of the dirt and rocks and the ESPECIALLY the DOWNHILL!!!! I just love the way the speed and exhilaration feels when your jamming down a rocky, twisty, steep section of a trail.  It shakes you up a bit, but the fancy footwork and  thrill of it all makes me feel alive!!!!

So, I will continue to burn up the treadmill and climb the stair master to my hearts content. There is safety in knowing that I can stop when I need to and pee when I have to.  And  I will enjoy the beautiful weather when it shows it's smiling face by going out on a beautiful run (maybe once a week)....the temptation to hit the trail before I get to darn big in the abdomen area that my balance becomes an issue is overwhelming..!!!!!!

On another beautiful note....My sweet girl ran her first running race on Sunday April 10!!! The day after my scheduled 50 miler (American River 50) was supposed to happen for me....the day I trained for  for months and miles.......Cece "competed" in her very own fun run!!! It was amazing...the race was cute...but I was just amazed by her!!! She was so excited and I could see a little nervousness on her face as we neared the starting line.  Her age division (4 and under) allowed parents to run with kiddos...so we could just see parents' butts in front of us.  I tried to video the whole race, while I ran behind her and cheered for her.  She got a litte anxious and began to stop running cuz she couldn't see me next to her at one point.  I began to shout "Go Cece, Go!! Go Cece Go!!" and she sped up and never looked back as long as she heard my voice!!!! What a champ!!!

Aaron kept teasing me about me living vicariously through our 3 year old daughter~~!!! Yes, it is true.  I was so excited for her to feel the excitement...so in that regard...YEP!!!  She knows all about races and the details like numbers or bibs....camelbacks, GU and carbloading... and believe me...she ate her share of doughnuts before the race!!! She requested them the week previously and already had her mind set on them!!! She said "my body needs energy Mommy and I'm kinda newvous about my race." A girl after my own heart!!!

My next dr. appointment is April 22.  In the meantime gonna do my best to stay prego and be a happier, more joyful Mommy and wifey.  We are settling into this prego business and are all getting rather excited!

Just some thoughts!!! Warning: RANDOM (maybe?)

I'm having lots of thoughts lately, but few of them actually form complete sentences, paragraphs or can complete a sensible blog post.......so I decided to just jot them down as they came to me.

* Gratitude! I am so grateful to HF above and for so many blessings!!!
* Family= love, trust, completeness, interconnectedness, security/safety and a soft place to fall
* I'm a MOM!!! I'm a Mom!!!! It is really happening again! My daughter is MINE....I am her's and WE ARE A FAMILY!!! I feel so blessed!! How can somebody have so many miracles in their life...  Hunter, Cece and now the unexpected, little one...!!!  I thought this would never happen again to me....once my little Hunter graduated from this earth life.....I never thought I would actually be a Mommy again (in this life)......I hoped, I prayed, but I truly never thought it would go down like this!  My little girl has captured my heart in so many ways.....It is amazing  how much she has taught me about LOVE.   I received a package in the mail containing her final adoption report with an overview of her little life.  I have seen this before, but this time....it affected me so differently.  It broke my heart again as I read of her bio family and the date she last saw her b/m.  My heart broke for her.  I cannot begin to imagine how hard that would've been.  No child should ever have to be ripped away from their mother.  Unfortunately, these families NOT = love, trust, completeness, interconnectedness, security/safety and a soft-place to fall. So, these little ones become our little blessings and miracles.  I know that God had a divine role in this union and in the growth of this family!!!

My next post will be about my running adventures and changes that have occurred in my training thus far!! I know you are all dying to read!! LOL!!!!