Keepin' the Dream Alive!

The title of this post references both the dreams of my sleep and the dreams of my waking life.   I'm sitting here at 4:30 a.m and drinking hot cocoa.  Cece is laying on the couch with orange juice in a sippy cup, watching "Little Bill," and is really excited that I am giving her the freedom to do so at this ridiculously early hour.  Aaron's been working out of town and wakes up at 4am to leave for the bay area.   Last night her stirring and calling for me, resulted in my sleeping in her little bed with her until Aaron's alarm clock woke me up.   I got up to make sure he was getting up for work and the little lady was up and following me around.....We kissed Daddy "goodbye" and her enthusiasm for the morning strongly indicated that I was in for a long morning if I insisted on her going back to sleep.  This is a much better option since, I'm alert enough since my vivid dream is stuck inside my mind and heart.

Hunter was sitting in his little blue chair and smiling widely.  I reached down to pick him up and felt the warmth of his sweet little arms wrapped around my neck.  His love just poured into me and my heart was full.  This was the content of my nightime dream.  I haven't been able to dream alot of Hunter for many months now.  Since the little princess came into our life, heart, and soul my daytime focus is consumed by
thoughts of her and how I can be the best "Mommy" to her.

I imagine that the reason for the nightime dreams turning to my Heavenly Angel, Hunter is due to this pregnancy and my experiences as Hunter's Mommy.  Due to his genetic issues, doctors were very pessimistic of his health and life expectancy from the 20th week of pregnancy on.    Unaware of the fact that Aaron carried a blanced chromosome translocation, we always assumed we would have a handful of kiddos after we settled into married life.  You can imagine our devastation at the 20 week ultrasound, when doctors indicated that he would have birth defects and most likely not make it to birth.  Further blood work detected Aaron's carrier status and traced it back to his paternal grandmother Elva (She was a trooper and agreed to be tested at her fragile age of 82 or so.)  Aaron's father and two of his brothers were also determined to be carriers.  This was a life altering event.

Emotions were heavy as we tried to rally up the courage to be our little guy's parents.  What would this take?  How strong could we be?  Would the pain and sadness of his little life be too much for our marriage?  Would I be able to be strong enough to give him life, only to then let him return to Heaven?  One night, after praying and contemplating these thoughts.....I began to rock in the rocking chair and just
get lost in the stillness of the late night.  I was about 22 weeks along at this point and doctors had given us the option of terminating the pregnancy and we were meeting with them the next day to give our decision.  As I rocked, I allowed my hands to rest on my growing baby belly and a lovely song from my childhood entered my mind.  The lyrics were, "Mother I love you, Mother, I do, Father in Heaven has sent me to you."  Tears filled my eyes and my thoughts became clear.  I was a mother and this baby was my child that was sent from God above.  I had a job to do...and Hunter had a mission to complete.  That was a turning point in my life.   I was no longer confused or confounded by the pessimism and medical terminology that the doctors and specialists so logically and unapologitically offered us.

My Hunter's life and death have greatly influenced me in ways to great to number.  I am a better person because of him.  I learned of my own strength and courage and am greatly inspired by his.  He taught me to never.....NEVER give up!  He taught me to smile and pray ALL THE TIME!!! He taught me that "love" is enough!!! He taught me to NEVER stop dreaming.

So, I sit (now with Cece snuggled next to me) and I feel her sweet love as she holds on to my hair (just the way Hunter did).  I hope that I, too,  can inspire my little princess to dream.....and NEVER GIVE UP!!!